第一章 真的很哇塞

ningjingdexiaozhen,yekongzhongfanxingdiandian.jiaojiedeyueguangsanluozaixiaozhendegegejiaoluo。yankantianshangyouyidapianyuncaihuanhuandipiaolai,zhezhuleyueguang。

jianjiandeshiquleyueguangdezhaoyao,zhishengxiajiedaoshangdeludengsanfazheweiruodeguangmang。manghuoleyitiandelaowangtouyijingjinrulemengxiang,nianqingdewangshenzaidazhongzaotangzilichongwanliangguangzhejibeizaixizheyishang,qiangshanghaitiezhejinzhiqingxiyiwudeziyang。xianranweilezhanxiaobianyidewangshenyagenkanbudaoqiangshangdejigedazi。

ye,jijingwusheng。yidaorenyingmaozheyaoguiguisuisuidechuxianzailezaotangzihoumian。zhijiancongbeihoudebaolitaochulejikuaibanzhuan,shuliandeduifangzailechuanghuxiadeqianggenchu。

henxianrankanzheigeshuliandumingxianbushidiyiciganzheishile。dianqijiao,shenshoubazailechuangyanshang,yizhijiaoyijingcaizailezhuantoushang。manmandeqishennaodaiyijingchaoguolechuanghudegaodu,yanqianyijingkeyijiandaolimiandefengjing。

yanwuliaorao,wangshendeshenzizaiwuqimenglongdezaotangziliruoyinruoxian。wangshenshishilibaxiangchulemingdeqizhi**。wulunshishencaihaishiliandanneidoushimeideshuode,genwanglaotoujiehunlezheimeduonianleyemeiyoushengxiayierbannv,zainongcunjiazhangliduandeyoubushaorenzaitanlunwangshenshibuhuixiadandemuji。danshizainongcundenanrenyanlizheitemiaodeshizhenxianga。

shijianbuzhangchuanghushangderenmanliantonghong,bizixiamianmanmandezuanchuleliangtiaohongsedeqiuyin,xiamiandexiaozhangpengzhilengdelaogao,zhishishaobuzhuyisixiangpaomaojiaoxiayihua,zhenggerenbianchengleyigeziyouluotizhitingtingdewangdishangtang,neizhongturuqilaideshizhongganrangtabuyouzizhudehanleyisheng:“**~~~~”peng,chenmendedaodisheng。

hounaoshaoxianzhedineishitengdeziyaliezui。danshixianzaiyegubudewutoule,ganjinpaqilaikailiaoa,wuwaidedongjingmingxiandeyijingjingdonglezaotangzilidewangshen。

bansuizheyishengxiusedejianjiaoshengdehaiyou:“zhuaselanga,yourentoukanwoxizaoa……”

suishuoyijingruyedanshixiaozhenshanghaishiyoudabarenmeiyoushuijue,tingdaolewangshendeshengyinfenfenpaochujiamenkankanyoumeiyouguachi,dangranyeyourentizhechutoutiexianquzhuizhelaosepi。

neishibianzhuibianzabianhan:“zhanzhu.……nizheiwangbadan.……toukanrenniangmenxizao,youzhongbiepaoa.……”bansuizhejiaohanshengdehaiyoushenmexihongshia,choujidana,lantuoxieashenmeluanqibazaodedongxizaitianshangluanfei。

yankanhoumianderenqunjulizijiyuelaiyuejin,qianfangheiyirendeqiushengyuwangjifalezishendeqianneng,neipaoqilaijiaoyigekuaia,ganjuexiedimashangdouyaomaoyanle。

zhongyushimanmandekandaoleshenghaidexiwang。suizheshenhoudejiaomashengyuelaiyueyuan,xuanzhedexinyemanmandefanghuileduzili,paoleyizhenjuedeshenhoumeirenlecaimanmandejiangxialesududakoudakoudechuanzhecuqi。

tongshizuishanghainiantaozhe:“renyoushishou,mayoushitia,yaobushipaodekuaiwofeiyaosizaizhenshangbuxing.……zhenrangrenhaipa.……buguowangshenhaizhenshimingbuxuchuana……”niantaozheniantaozheliangtiaoxiaoqiuyinyoubulaoshidezuanlechulai。shuobabianraoluwangjiazou,neijiaoyigexiaoxinyiyia,shengpabeirenfaxian。

yuncaimanmandezoukai,youluchulejiaojiedeyueliang。yueguangsazaileheiyirendelianshang,zhijianzheiyeshishiqibasuidejunhousheng。

zheijunhoushengcongxiaomeidiemeiniang,beizhenziliyigexingbaidelaohanconglajixianglijianhuilaide(zhen·lajixianglijianlaide),ranhoutayegenzhexingbai,laohanjiaobaizhantang,jitaqilegemingzijiaobailou。

houlaizaibailoubudadeshihoubaizhantangjiujiahexiqule,liuxiabailouyigerenchizhebaijiafan,chuanzhebaijiayizhangda。

shangdejiunianyiwujiaoyu,daogaozhongdeshihouzhenzhanghaozhaozhenshangderenjuankuanjibailoushangdegaozhong,bailouzijiyeqingongjianxue,weizijideshenghuofeiercaolao。danshibailoucongxiaodaodadoupidaobuxing,yiduzihuaishui,toujimogoudeshiyemeishaogan。jiushuyuneizhongsantianbudashangfangjiewadeleixing。

bailouhaizaimanmandewangjiazou,tiankongyidaoliuxingshanguo。bailoutianzhendexianggehaizi,shuangshouheshiduitianxuyuan:qiuqiulaotianxianlingrangwodeshuangseqiuzhonggetoujiangba.……yuanwangyoumeiyoushixianbuzhidao,danshizheiliuxingdaoshichaotafeiguolaile,zheiliuxingyeshirenhenhuabuduo,zhengzhengzazailebailoudeshenshang。neigechangmianjiaoyigejingcai。

shenmechangziduzibulangguzifeidedaochudoushi,xiangdoubuyongxiangrenjiuyaolianglianglea,zhishizanshixingdehaimeiyounaosiwang,zheizheizhongqingkuangxiaquzuiduosanfenzhongjiuchediliangtoule。

“xitongjiancesuzhujijiangsiwang,xitongzidongkaiqigoumingyaojinmoshi。”jinjiezhebailoudecanzhiduanbeihuanhuandimaozhelvguangpiaofuzaikongzhong,huanhuandipinjiedaoleyiqi,pinjiechuyidaodaobaiguangshanguo,jiuxiang502yiyangjiangbailoudeshentijinjindezhanhezaileyiqi。

danshicishicikebailoudeshentichuyuyizhongjiduancuiruodezhuangtai。keyishuoshentidegexiangjinengdoushuaituidaojijiangxiaoshidezhuangtai。

keyishuoxitongweilediaozhubailoudegouminghuoshengshengdezaojiuleyigebingyangzi,keliandebailoujiuzheiyangcongyigeshenglonghuohudexiaohuobianchengleyigetiruoduobingdeguo--ti--xiao--nan--hai!chulebeizasuideshenti,genzhehaiyoubeizasuideyifua。haocanyinande。

buzhidaoguoleduojiu,bailouyouyouxinglai,yizhenfengchuiguoliangtuizhijianliangsousoude,zheicaifaxianzijishenwucunlv。haozaifujinmeishenmeren,fouzejiuzhendeyingleneijuhua:fengchuikudangliang,shehuixingsiwang.……

biedexianbushuoxianzaibiebeirenkandaozuizhongyao,qicijiushiganjinhuijiaa。bailoudongduoxizangde,jinzijizuidadenuliduobizheshexiangtoudeqinfan,haoburongyihuidaolezijidexiaowo。suibianzhaoletaoyifutaozaileshenshangcaisuanshiyouleyisisideanquangan。

tangzailezijidexiaochuangshang,gangcaizijiluobenshidegaodujinzhangdejingshenmanmandefangsongxialai,meiyouchaoguoliangfenzhongjiutingdaolezhentianxiangdehulusheng:hu~~huhu~~~hujiu~~~haitemiaodaiguaiwande

suizhetiansejianliang,gongjikaishidaming:gegege~~~~bailouyouyouxinglai,liangyankongdongwushen,zuomengdoushizijizuotianguobenhuilaideqingxing。

“ding!qingsuzhujinxingxitongbangding。”

“what?wangdefa?.……?。?”naohaizhongdanchuleyizhangxitongjiemian,shangmianxiezhe“shifoubangdingzhendehenwasaixitong?shi/fou”

bailouxinlidiguzhe:neitemiaolaideshenmexitonga?temiaodezheidongxibushixiaoshuolimiancaiyoudeme?haiyouzheishenmezhizhangmingziwa?haizhendehenwasai??biegaoxiaolehaofa?danshizhuannianyixiangyexuzijijiushitianxuanzhizia,bubangdingbaibubangdinga,ganle。

绑定!

xitong“gongxisuzhubangdingzhendehenwasaixitong。gongxisuzhuhuodezhendehenwasaixinshoudalibao。gongxihuodezhendehenwasaixitongbuchanglibao。gongxisuzhujiesuozhendehenwasairenwuxitong。gongxisuzhuhuodezhendehenwasailvxingxiaobeinang。”

bailou:“walenggedacao,zheishiyaoyidao999me,shixiongdijiulaikanwodejiezoua。laiyanjiuyixia,dakaixinshoudalibao。”

xitong:“gongxisuzhuhuode《zhendehenwasaixitongshiyongzhinan》,《zhendehenwasailiantidafa――juanyi》,zhendehenwasailiuweidihuangwanyike,yigeyuechangshuangshengjikayizhang。”

bailou:“ouhou,haiyouliantidafa?yisishiwoyaozouxiangxiuliandaoluyichaofeisheng?rangwokankanzheiliantidafadaodiwabuwasai。”

xitong:“shifouxuexi《zhendehenwasailiantidafa――juanyi》?”

xuea,bixuyaoxuea。meizhunkeyilianjiuyigejingangbuhuaizhishena。neikejiu……heihei……heiheihei.……(koushuiliuleyidi)

“给林北学!”

jiuzheimeyishunjian,bailoudenaohaizhongjiuduochulehenduodexinxi,gongfaneirongquanpandejinrulebailoudedanao,gaishuobushuozheiyangdexuexifangshizhendeshifangbiana。

zheiliantigongfayemeiyouzheimefuza,danshixiaoguokendingmeideshuo。buguoshuoshigongfadaoburushuoshixitongzidaidesuishenliangongfang,suoweidegongfayezhishigaosubailouliangongfangdeshiyongfangfa。liantigongfajuanyilizhijiangjielezhonglixunlianxitong。

zhiyaotiqianshedingdixinyinlibeishu,neimebailouzishensuoshoudaodeyalibianhuizengqiang。jiecijizishendejiroushijiayali,jiroubianhuibeidongshengzhang。erzhangqikaiqizhonglixunlianzishendejirounaili,jirouliliang,yijijiroubaofadengdengjinengtishengjianghuifeikuaijinbu。

“huashuozheishishenmeguideliantidafa,genzaijianshenfangxunlianyoushenmequbieme?xianshishikaiqiyibeizhonglixunlianmoshi。”

bailouzhijuedehunshenyichen,zhanqilaidoufeijing,zheiyebuguaibailouzheimechili。bijingzaiqianyitianwanshangshentibeidasuizhongzu,xianzaidebailougenbenjiushishouwufujizhili。huranchengshouyibeidezhonglixunlianshentiziranchibuxiao。

yibeizhongliyoushishenmegainian?jiuxiangyigeliushigongjinderen,wulunzuoshenmeshiqingshenshangdoudaizhelingwaideliushigongjinfuzhong,wulunnichifanshuijuelababa,haishixilianshuayaguniuguniu。

zheiyangdeqiangdushunjianjiurangbailoujuedezijichibuxiaole,bailoucishijuedezijilianzhanlixingzoudougewaidefeijing。ranerqinshouburudexitongjingranhaizaizhidaobailouzuofuwocheng……juanfu……shendun……shenmegui……

bailoujiuqichuangxilegelianshualegeyashenshangdebeixinyiranbeihanshuijintou。baokuozaixishudeshihoutaiqizijideshuangshoudoubiwangchangyaochilihenduo。

henxianranxitongliangongfangdezuoyonghenshiqiangda。danshibailoubingmeiyoujiechuzhonglixunliandedasuan,ershidasuanzhangqidebaochizhonglixunlianzhuangtai。bijingshentilianhaoleqingongjianxuedagongyeyoujingbushi。

jiuzheiyangbailoudaizheyibeizhonglixunliankaiqileyitianxindeshenghuo。