第一章
我妈自称神算子。
wonadaodachangnianrubaiwandeoffer，tasuanchuwomingjianburangwoqushoudouruzhi。
“niyishengjiushigejianyatou，xianzainazheimegaoxinshui，bushiyonglewaishouduanjiushifenzoulenidideqiyun，jiwogunhuilaidaluosiding！”
xiedexiaoshuomashangmaiyingshibanquan，taqiawanzhizhijubaoyuanzhujiejiaohuang：
“yigemingbodeyatouxiechudedongxi，paichulaikebuxing！qianwanbanquandoushiguowangyunyan，anfenshoujicaishizhen！”
xinqingyiyuzhong，suishoumaidecaipiaowanzhongyiwandajiang，tashunjianbianlelianse：
“zheipotianfuguiniyigeyatoushichengshoubuzhude，bielingjiang，fouzenihuibudehaosi！”
woxiangfankang，quebeibiworenmingdemamasuozaidixiashi，huohuoesi。
zaiwomaneishengdeyide“jianyatou，nidemingwoguoranmeicuosuan”dexuanpanshengzhongsiquhou。
wozhengkaiyan，faxianzijihuidaolenadaodachangofferdeneitian。
01
“fanfan，haixiangzhemingtianqushoudoudeshi？bujidenichushengshi，mamaqinzijinisuandebazile？”
“shenxianshuole，nizheiyishengjiushigejiandeyatou，bieyitiantianwangshangpa！
“xiangyaonididiyishengpingan，nixianzaijiujihuixiangxia，quniershuchangzineilidaluosi！”
zhuyidaozheiduansicengxiangshidehua，heshouzhongneifenhairehudedachangoffer，woyishidaozijizhongshengle。
qianshi，yeshizaiwoxingfenshuochujijiangnachubaiwannianxindexixundeshihou，mamaturanbianlelian，mawomingmingshengxialaijiushigemingjiande。
xianzainianjiqingqingjingnalezheimegaodexinshui。
bushifenzoulewodideqiyun，jiushiweilewangshangpadonglewainianxieshu。
wobeitahaowuluojidezhizenongdebengkui。
qiebushuozhenshangdeneigechangzimeiyueqizaotanheizhinengnayiqiankuaixinkufei，danshuowonadaogaoxinwanquanshipingzijinengliguoying，zaishuorenwanggaochuzoutianjingdiyi。
wohaoshenghaoqijujue，bingdangjidingxiaqushoudoudechepiao。
kewomeixiangdao，zaiwojijiangshangchequgongsibaodaoshi，taguyijigongsiduoweilingdaodadianhua，dasixuanyangwobazigengongsixiangke，zhiqiandaidegongsijiajiadaobi。
wojibaiqianwanrencaidedaodegangweijiuzheimebeitanongmeile。
faxianliuyanheshoudaolingdaowanjuxindeneiyike，worenjihufengmo。
lijiyaofatiechengqingshuowomazhishidanchundefengjianmixin，danershuqindidouganlaishuowo，xunchiwo。
二叔说：
“diulegegongzuoeryi，youshenmehaojijiaode，weileyidianqianwuxiannima，zaowanyaotiandaleipi！”
“yaowoshuo，yaoshiguainiguaifucongnimaanpai，yimenxindijinlewojiachangzi，nimayongdezhexinkuzhetengzheimeyiquanme！”
“nimaneimeyouxinyangderen，zenhuibuduinihao，ganqingnihaijiwomenxianweiqushangle！”
我弟骂：
“jie，nijianmingyitiao，haiganqudagongsilingbaiwannianxin？”
“maqinzisuanle，neixienianxinhecaiyundoushiwode，nizhipeijiwogunhuijialaolaoshishididaluosiding！”
congxiao，womajiuzaishenbianyiqunrenlishensuanrenshe。
babachushihoudepeichangjinbuyao，shuowobagongdichushi，bushilaobanmeizuoanquancuoshidecuo，danchunshiwobamingzhongyouzheiyijie。
wogaoshaodaosishierdubusongwoquyiyuan，dandingshuotasuanle：woweilaihaiyaojiwodimaifangni，buhuizaixianzaiguadiao。
我不认可，但尊重。
quemeixiangdaomamabianbenjiali，jiaohuanglewodegongzuo。
shangbeizi，wonianjigurouqinqing，bazheikouqitunlexiaqu。
quebuxiang，neishiwozhuirudiyudekaiduan。
02
主业黄了副业兴。
shangbeizi，bujiuhouwoyeyuxiedexiaoshuobeitouzifangkanzhong，mashangmaiyingshibanquan。
mamadezhihou，quelikeyindaofensijubaoyuanzhubamaimaijiaohuang。
wojihuogongxin，bumianyutazhenglun：“nishifenglema？nizhibuzhidaoyingshihuachenggongduiwodezuopinyiweizheshenme？！”
didilijichongshanglaihuzhuma：“zenmegenzanmashuohuade，bujiushiqianwanbanquanfeima？！”
mamayekanzhewoyilianbiyi：“yigemingbodeyatouxiechudedongxi，paichulaikebuxing！qianwanbanquandoushiguowangyunyan，anfenshoujicaishizhen！”
zaihoulai，jidudexinqingyiyuzhong，wosuishoumaidecaipiaowanzhongyiwandajiang。
jiudangwozhuanhuanxinqing，xingzhichongchongdidaishanglezhengjianzhunbeiqulingjiangshi。
mamazaidubianlelianse：“wozinibaqushihou，yixinxiangdaolejishinian，nizheimeyingshengshengyongyiwandajiangbiwohaisu，neixieyixiangxinfengwoweishensuanzidexiangqinhuizenmekanwo？”
“genghekuang，zheipotianfuguiniyigeyatoushichengshoubuzhude，bielingjiang，fouzenihuibudehaosi！”
woxiangfankang，quebeibiworenmingdemamasuozaidixiashi，huohuoesi。
zaiwomaneishengdeyide“jianyatou，nidemingwoguoranmeicuosuan”dexuanpanshengzhongsiquhou。
wozhengkaiyan，faxianzijihuidaolenadaodachangofferdeneitian。
zheiyishi，wohuirangtamenxuezhaixuehai！
03
“mingtianjiujiwojinniershujiachangzi，neibianjizheyaoren，zaishuonizhiqianneizhangoffermayebangnisile，shengdeniyitiandaowandianjineixieyoudemeide。”
mamadeshengyinjiangwoconghuiyizhonglachu。
zheiyishi，womeizaiwanyanjujue，ershibanchengtashouzhongtixianmuoudemoyang，lianliandiantou。
“ma，wozhidaocuole，haishimamaconghui。”
“zhijiejinzhenshangchangzi，shunyingminggezuogexiangxiaren，caishidaofaziran。”
“burannianjiqingqingzaidachangnabaiwannianxin，duorongyizaiweilaishoufanshia！”
“woyigerenshoufanshiyejiusuanle，dandaoshihouhuailezanjiafengshuikezenmeban？xingkuimaninshenjimiaosuan，likebawocongqitushangzhuailehuilai！”
mamazuijiaoshunjianqiaoqilaile，tayouxuxuqiasuanleyizhi。
“haishiwoshengdecongming，zheimekanlaihaisuanyoujiu。”
“bijing，niyishengxialaimajiusuanchunishigemingjiande，zheimeturannalebaiwannianxin，cunlirenhuizenmekanwopandemingge？”
“zaishuole，fangqigaoxinzhenghaohuilaifuchinididi，bubeiwaimiandehuahuashijiemileyanjing！”
woxiaozheruxiaojizhuomibandiantou。
但是。
“ma，jujueofferyaoqugongsidangmiangenlingdaoshuoyixia，bijingwozheishuyujieofferleyoufanhui。”
“erqiewodiyeshizuozheixingde，ruotaidubuchengkenxie，zhishidanchundiyoujianhuifu，bujinhuibeidagongsijidanganyingxiangzanjiamingsheng，didideqiantuyehuishouyingxiang。”
yuduiwobuyiyang，shuozhongnanqingnvyehao，shuozhishipianxinyeba，mamaduididi，neishibaoyoujidaqide。
shangbeizi，womajiushimeikaolvdaodidiqiantuzheiyiceng，siwujidandejiangwokegongsimingshengcaijinnigoulihou，daozhididizaiyeneiqiuzhishiyeduoshouguji。
为此她后悔不已。
zheiyishi，wohuirangtaxianyousuojidan，bingyiweiwozhendedasuanshunyingtapixiadeguichemingge，weiqinqidayibeizigong，erbuzhizheyumingqi。
wonaqitieshangfangkuimodeshouji：“ma，woxiandingpiaole，jintianneibashiqingjiejue，mingtianhailaidejiershuchangzineidagong。”
“bieji，dengmayihuier！mayaogenniyiqiqubeijing！zhenghaobangnizailushangfayoujian。”
wolengxiaoyisheng，buchusuoliao，taguoranyaoqinyankanjianwofachujuxin，bingchedibeimingqicituicaifangxin。
yushiwoshunzhetadeyi，daitayiqilaichezhan。
youzaichezhanpangdexiaodianmaileliangfenwancan，bingzaiqizhongyifen，jialexiexieyao。
danxinweidaobianqiguai，haiteyizhufulaobanzuofanshibaweidaozuozhongxie。
huidaohoucheting，mamayijingdengdeyouxiebunaifan。
“zenmecaihuilai？gaotiehaiyoubanxiaoshijiuyaojinzhanle，shuohaozaishangcheqianbajuofferyoujianfachuqudema？”
wobafandijita：“zheibushizhenghaodaofandianme，cheshangfannanchi，wotizaoqumailefen。”
“烫哒。”
mamapenglexiareqitengtengdefan，meitouyizhou。
皱完后。
滴答。
滴答。
yanjianqiangshangdeshizhongdouzoulehaojigelunhuiguoqu，tadousihaomeiyaochideyisi。